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‘We’ll get through this. All right? We’ll get through this together.’ But would we? Would I? I wanted to say I had no doubt, but I didn’t feel that. A nurse came in and gave me a shot of something or other for the pain but the pain did not go away. It was in my head, tearing at me. I was dying. That’s what cancer is: death. In my back and in my liver I was rotting with death. Whatever they’d say, the doctors, it didn’t matter. It was already in me. I wanted to think positively, to have hope, to really believe that I could make it through this easily. But I was already blown out. Twenty minutes I spent like that, just crying my eyes out, sobbing and cursing. I wanted to just deny it all, pretend I never heard anything and admonish this diagnosis from reality. I wanted to wake up and this would all be one terrible dream and I would be home in bed with my head rattling from another hangover. But my mother was right there, her arms around my shoulders. She was there to tell me it was. It was a strange feeling to be sure."C-Can I..." I began, realizing how quavering and husky my voice was,"can I...look at myself?" I asked somewhat lamely. "In a mirror, I mean."Melinda's grin split her features and she nodded.Hillsborough dorm rooms came with half-size mirrors in their closets. Itwas an old fashioned campus and there were surely a number of events ofclass that had happened at one time, requiring men to put on dinnerjackets and dies and women to don frilly dresses and do up their hair. Ithought for a fleeting moment with a thrill that, were there to be such asoiree today, I would not be wearing a tie. I wondered what my hair wouldlook like done up as I walked with tentative, nervous steps towards themirror, reaching up idly to play with it. Would I look like a woman?Would I be pretty?I stopped at the closet, hesitating for a moment before opening it up.I'd seen myself once, moments after I'd been changed, but I hadn't beenin much of a mindset then. I had been.
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